A gloomy dream

My Sister, who lives in another state, was with me and we got out of the car. We went inside a funeral home. My Sister, even though she is younger than me, took charge and made the arrangements. These arrangements were for my Dad, who in real life is alive. It was like I could hear her in the distance. I wasn't even paying attention to the conversation, I just thought, this is sad, we should be really sad. As we walked out of the funeral home, there were familiar people around. I was trying to tell my Sister, we need keepsakes to make. Someone stopped me, a Mother of an ex-boyfriend of mine, and said, I am going to a place where you buy that stuff, in two weeks go with me. As we left the building, I still saw familiar faces but didn't talk to anyone. I felt so gloomy. As we got to the car, I went to the trunk and off to the side on the floor, I thought I saw a small flame coming from something on the ground. When I glanced, I thought, oh its dog poop, I must of imagined that flame. Then I saw a small bird, and thought, they don't eat dog poop. I went to look closer and realized it there was a dead pigeon and the little bird was eating it. The little bird was really tugging at it. I scurried back into the car.

Dream #81613

I was in the backyard, of what appeared to by my home. Large area to entertain, which apparently I was, by the look of all the people there. As I glanced around, there was a pool, and far off to one side of it were rock deco. One was in the shape of a grand piano. The color of these grand rocks where a dark brown, almost leather looking. Then I noticed that there was a lower second pool. I said, "it just sucks that they are not connected", I think I was making small talk. I didn't recognize anyone in my dream from my wake life. I walked to the second pool, next thing I new I was in the water, and I thought, "someone must of pushed me in". I was concerned about when I had to get out of the pool cause I was wearing all white. Meanwhile, there were people in the pool behind me and people sitting on the ledge talking to me. As I turned to look at the people behind me, it was two young girls each with a baby and they were going underwater with the babies, for which looked like, for as long as they could hold their breath. I could see air bubbles coming from the babies. I turned to the people on the ledge and said, "what the fuck?" and someone said, that's how they teach them now. I thought, "that's not how we did it in my day". It was time to get out of the pool, and again I worried cause I was wearing white. Next thing I knew the pool was empty of water, and I thought, "I guess that is how you know its time to get out" and when I looked at what I was wearing....my clothes were black.

Mothers Day Sucked

It begins with Friday. I told my Son to call Dad and let him know if he made plans for Sunday, cause I would like to just go to beach. I wanted sun and water, which would be perfect for the heat that weekend. When my Son called him, he got cut of short cause Dad was dealing with something at work. On the ride home I mention the beach, and Hubby mumbles something like, "you won't be able to handle that". I guess he was referring to me being Fibro. I then casually mention how we can go hang out at our Daughters place at the pool...no response. Hmm ok maybe he has something planned.
Sunday. I get up he makes coffee, we watch tv and nothing is being said. Well then I get up and start laundry, head to the kitchen and start cleaning. He then comes in with "I'll do that". Kitchen cleaned and he goes outside to do yard work. UGH all I wanted was some sun, water and NO CHORES! I lost it, showered, got in the car and took off up the creek, for some sun and water. BTW I have never ever done such a thing on my own. A few hours later, I come back home, Hubby is laying on the bed and asked me where I went. I told him, I mentioned I wanted water and sun, and your Son tried to tell you, but maybe you didn't get it cause you cut him off, so I went up the creek. He asked, do you want to go out to eat? Um nope. Hubby then made tuna sandwiches, and took us outside to play with the dogs.
That is why I so dislike days that force us to expect something on certain days for people to show us how much we appreciate them. If it were any other day, Hubby does an outstanding job of showing appreciation  so why do I expect so much on the one day that says we must show appreciation?! Does this mean he doesn't expect anything on Fathers Day?

Family Deep Issues

My Brother pointed out something my Mom had posted on fb. Innocently commented, but to me and my siblings, we read through the lines and take it personal.
About 25 years ago, when I was 17, my Mom made a decision that effected the rest of us for the rest of our lives. Mom decided she was leaving my Dad and 3 of us 5 kids. Mom decided she was taking the 2 youngest siblings. We some how protested and Mom gave us the 2 back, and she was gone. I am the oldest of my 4 siblings and even though back then I was ready to do my own thing, I still kept in touch with my siblings and made sure everything was ok. Fast forward, Mom is involved in our lives, keeps contact and visits. Mom lives out of state and when my Sister became an adolescent she decided to live with my Mom. We all have married, and 4 of the 5 of us have children.
This issue of my Mom leaving us, is a tender, healing wound. I have no grudges, and now that I am a married with kids and an adult, I understand why someone would make that decision, but it doesn't mean that I agree with it. I forgave and I love Mom. However, every once in a while something pricks that wound and it hurts! This hurt, has always been for me to deal with, not my siblings, and not my Mom. I don't put that weight on them, its my issue to deal with and that is that. I know, thats not how all of us deal with it and Mom knows, it bothers some of us but she didn't know, it hurts ALL of us still. I had to recently explain this to her when my Brother told her she was "insensitive" on her fb to claim how happy she was with 3 grandchildren she has out there, and what about the rest of us out here and our children. My Mom responded, in so many words, to him with, I've said sorry and you should get over it. Then she proceeded to text me and ask me if there was something wrong with her comment on fb. Thats when I took the opportunity to explain to her. Nothing was wrong with her comment, but we tend to read into things, of course we are jealous, she is out there and we are here, some of us just deal with it differently. No response. The next day Mom sent out another text, she was truly sorry and her past has once again caught up with her, she love all the grandkids the same and she is sorry if we feel she holds any in higher regard. She wishes we would of shared this with her, so much time has gone by and she feels like a fool, thinking everything was ok.
I explained to her, that I did not think she loved any grandkids more than others. She should not feel foolish, it wasn't like I was being two faced to her all the times I visited, she should know me better than that. I do feel because she made that choice all those years ago, I still feel she is making that same choice by staying out there. This was my issue to deal with and not hers. I just needed for her to know one thing...that I loved her.

Cousin Kim

A few weeks ago, my Cousin Kim, who is actually my Cousins wife, but we have taken her in as our own, found out she had a tumor and was going to have surgery to have it removed. When they removed the tumor, the also found that she had colon cancer and it had spread. The word is that, she will have 6 months to a year to live. I took this very hard, yet at that time I only told my best friend and my best cousin, I could not bare to tell my soul mate, my Hubby. I had just heard this news after hearing my "good" news, of not having Lupus but diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, I was going to be ok and she wasn't. I still don't understand how this is fair. Here I was so worried about myself and someone dear to my heart had it worse. GUILT is what I feel. I am able to hold back the tears, sometimes, because I haven't heard it from her directly. She finally came home last week, and with her doctors appointments and Mothers Day, I haven't had a chance to see her...I need to see her.

Feeling the weight of the world on my eyelids.

It could be the medication I have been put on for my Fibro, but if left alone, I cry, when I sit at my desk, I tear up and let some out, when I am around others, I tear up but control it to not come out. I just have felt that I have had some heavy stuff to deal with lately, on top of my I have bad days where physically I hurt. This morning, I finally couldn't hold it anymore. We carpool, Hubby, I and the kids and on the way in I just started crying. It was such a combo of things, Mothers Days sucked, Cousin Kim and a deep issue. My poor Hubby, I know he got nervous and he just didn't know what was going on. He tried to comfort me while he drove, putting his hand on my leg, and asking me if I was ok. I finally got my self together and when we dropped of the last kid, I could see Hubby trying to gather enough courage to ask me what was that about. He rubbed his has together and I think at one point he was going to say something, but just a slight sound came out and then he took a drink of his coffee. When we finally got out of the car, he asked me if I was ok. I told him I had been dealing with some stuff, a family issue and Cousin Kim. I didn't dare tell him I was hurt about Mothers Day. He hugged, comforted me and said the right words...."its tough".

I want to be myself again...

The weekend of February 8, 2013, it was cold and chilly. Little did I know it was the beginning of what I would feel for a month straight now. In the past, I've had aches and pain, headaches and migraines that never lasted more than 2 days and it was nothing that ibuprofen or naproxen couldn't fix. That weekend my whole body was sore, like if I had majorly worked out and I felt tired. I figured it was due to being out that Friday night in the rain and I just needed rest. As a week and a half went by it wasn't going away, I was feeling limited in motion, all my joints were in pain from my toes to my shoulders. I thought heavily about 2 things, 1, I don't have insurance and 2, lupus. Even though lupus is not inherited, it runs strongly in our family, crazy huh? I have considered it throughout the last 10 years, but because symptoms didn't persist I didn't think much of it. I just felt there was something to be concerned about now and partly due to me taking naproxen and it not working. Hubby heard of a clinic, so I looked into it, got an appointment, went in saw the doctor. He wanted to rule out 2 things first, HIV and Strep. Good news, it took less then 15 minutes and I don't have HIV or Strep. Bad news, he would now test for Rheumatoid Arthritis and Lupus, the bonus, it will be 2 weeks for the results. In the meantime, he gave me a pain pill. The pain does not completely go away with the pain pill and naproxen, it just eases it. I also only take them at night. During the day I was nauseous, sleepy and emotional, there was no way I could function during the day like that, especially at work. Over the last 2 weeks, I have felt new symptoms. Although my legs no longer bother me during the day, at night I wake up to the agonizing pain in my knees, at least 3 times, I have to re-position myself, which is no easy task, with my shoulders, arms and hands in ache and no strength. Now not only my joints ache in my arms but the muscles also, they are sore like if I have lifted weights. My hands/fingers, are tight and hurt to stretch or make fists, they have no strength, not even to lift a pillow. To type is no easy task either, it hurts. I can not bend my writs, forward or backwards. It feels like I have a stiff neck everyday, a knot in my upper back and a sore lower back. Being in pain has been exhausting, the other night I went to sleep at 7:30, I just could not keep my eyes open. On the weekend I just want to lay down. I feel bad for my family. They didn't sign up for this wife and mom. They have been understanding and helpful. I'm just scared that one day Hubby will throw his hands up and say, I can't do this anymore. I'm scared I am going to live like this for the rest of my life. I haven't had one day that I have felt like my normal self. Finally in 3 days I will see the doctor for my results and maybe he can fix me.