Me JEALOUS?!

JEALOUSY-The Monster
http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Understanding-Jealousy-Helen-Fisher-PhD-on-Relationships

When I couldn't describe what I was feeling in a recent situation, I was told that what I am feeling is jealousy. Me jealous?! To quote the article above, "Jealousy—that sickening combination of possessiveness, suspicion, rage, and humiliation—can overtake your mind and threaten your very core as you contemplate your rival. "
NOW THAT I CAN RELATE TO!
I have said to many, "I trust my Husband, but I don't trust females".
My Scar....
The article above states, "a childhood trauma" could cause jealousy, which might be true in my cause. I will explain more on that and let you be the judge of it, but also I believe it comes from a lying, cheating, ex boyfriend. Childhood trauma sounds so harsh, so I will say, my childhood (unfortunate) experience. At a very young age I was exposed to jealousy, yet the one that expressed this jealousy was also the same one having affairs. No, this child experience was not imagining things or taking things out of context. This child experience was actually physically taken to rendezvous and interacted with the "other" who was not the parent. Even after my parents separated, yet stayed in contact, I assume for the sake of the children, there still was "others" involved. From the first time I could remember, until I think it was all over, I estimate that this lasted about 4 years, probably from the ages 5 to 9.  My parents got back together after a few years, stayed together for about 8 years more and then never got back together again. Enough about them and now back to me. The funny thing is that when I became a teenager and started having relationships, this jealousy never showed itself. It never bothered me if a boyfriend wanted to spend time their friends even if they were girls. UNTIL, my ex boyfriend decided he was going to have a relationship with another girl while I was pregnant. Then of course I did care if he wanted to spend time with "friends". When I finally let him go after years of mental and physical abuse, I felt free. Free from the insecurity, the hurt, the humiliation and the suspicion.
I met my Husband, and God sure knew what I needed because he had just one friend he stayed in contact with from high school, and that contact was very seldom. The kids and I always giggle about how he has one friend. Hubby didn't mean to show jealousy while we were dating, but I could see right through him. It was flattering, and I thought it was adorable on him. I adored him even more when females were fond of him, and showed him flirty attention. I never felt the negative feelings of jealousy. I loved him madly. The linked article explains about that. Years went by, children grew, responsibilities got bigger and my instincts also matured. A little bit about Hubby, he is very responsible and when it comes to his job, he will go beyond what is asked for. He is willing to help where needed and when asked. I started to feel a little bit uncomfortable years back, when he would help out coworkers with their home needs, fixing things, helping their children accomplish projects, etc. I expressed to him how I was not happy with these things, and eventually he stopped, or at least he didn't let me find out. Is that the same as lying? Am I guilty of maybe not telling him things sometimes...YUP. Everyone knows me at his work, I have stopped by unannounced, hung out after hours with his coworkers and I could tell, everyone was fond of him, how could they not be? Fast forward to a couple of month ago, (I think I am finally getting to the point of this blog), a female accuses him of sexual harassment. A little bit about this female, the very next day she went out on disability and hasn't been back to work in months. The higher ups investigate and find nothing to prove her claim, and Hubby, straight in the eye tells me he has never done anything to make her feel this way. This was the beginning of the Monster that started to grow in me. I started thinking, about things in the past, were they coincidence with this person, was I making it all up in my head to make sense? This suspicion grew so big, I was feeling the hurt and humiliation of something that wasn't really maybe even there. I became silent with Hubby, only talked when he initiated, cried when I was by myself. Hubby noticed, he even asked me, what was bothering me, what came up? I told him, nothing came up, it never left. Yet, I didn't feel "jealous" towards anyone, I don't know if that makes sense, but it does to me. Then I started battling, what if it is true, that's all I wanted to know, but he told me it wasn't, isn't that good enough, why was I still wondering? If it was true, it didn't mean I would leave him or make him leave, but the hurt and humiliation would be to much to handle. Is it strange that I wouldn't hate him for being with someone else, but, be so upset because he lied about it? Oh, this Monster was growing big and fast. What if he was just staying with me cause of the time he already invested in me? I knew he loved me, but what if he wasn't "in love" with me? What if it was easier to stay with me then deal with explaining to everyone what had happened and everyone judging him? With Thanksgiving coming up, my Brothers kept asking me if I was going to join them at Dads. I wasn't feeling up to it, not with that Monster inside me. My Brother told me, let it go, it will destroy you and your relationship, PRAY. Let it go?! Impossible! I woke up the next morning, with a whole different perspective. What if this distance I am feeling between us was all caused by me and this Monster? In fact, Hubby hadn't changed at all. I had to make a decision within myself that I was done, done with all this wondering and if anything came up again, I would deal with it then. For now, I will continue to show my love and affection, because I know I am still madly in love with him. Sure enough, as soon as I let it all go, and picked up our relationship where I left it, Hubby responded. See it would be different, if I went through all this, this that I put myself through, and he didn't respond. THAT would be hurtful, humiliating and make me suspicious. A day or so after I let it go, I came across the article that I linked here. I will end the same way it did...
THE WAY OUT IS THROUGH THE DOOR...
(Why is it that no one will use this method? ~Confucius)