Life:
You're totally sure on how you feel about something,
until it turns personal, then you are totally unsure!

For years you dream of your life turning out one way,
and one day, without warning, you realize life is going to turn out totally different. Now you can react different ways to this.

You can totally freak and be miserable for the rest of your life.
OR
You can adapt, and realize, nothings really changed but your dream.

Is that such a bad thing, in my case, no. I'm sure if its a traumatic game changer in your life, yes this could be bad. However, I'm still a believer that something good can even come out of those situations.

Maybe the dream hasn't even really changed that much. 
Maybe just some of the characters have. 
Maybe the dream hasn't changed at all.
I'm still the same person, and so are those around me that I love.
AND
That's all that matters.

Don't let it out of the pod.

What stood out in last nights dream was this huge pod. This pod was not a hard shell like an egg, it was like it could move when ever, what ever was inside it did. I new there was something inside it that I didn't want to bother, there was a slight fear, but more of a, "lets not let it out so we don't have to deal with it" feeling. One of my kids did something to it and next thing I knew, "it" was out of its pod. "It" was a human child, but it acted like an animal, it crouched, it grabbed and didn't speak. I just remember feeling, "oh great, now we have to deal with it".

You know, I'm not that type of person. I don't ignore things or situations so I don't have to deal with it, sometimes I wish I was that type of person. Yet, I know there are situations I am going to have to deal with that I don't want to or I don't know how to, but I am willing to adapt and try.
I have a young adult daughter, that moved back in and is now single. I've done pretty well, I think. I realize she is an adult, smart, and she is responsible, but that doesn't mean I can let go of caring for her well being. I told her, "you know I ask who you are hanging out with, so when you go missing I can tell the authorities who you were with last, I'm not trying to be nosy!" Of course part of me is being nosy, ha ha, I'm human and that natural!
I have a son who is a senior in high school this year. Every college he has applied for is far from home. We are very close and this is going to be very hard for me, but he is ready and this is what he wants. I tear up every time I think about it. Years ago, when my daughter decided she was going to move in with her boyfriend after being home for the first 2 years of college, it didn't affect me the same. Why? This is why, when she was a junior in high school she went to visit her dad one week and decided she wasn't coming back home. She thought the grass would be greener on the other side. If it was greener on the other side, would we have that saying?! She wasn't even the one to tell me, her father had to. It broke my heart, I cried for like a week straight, yet it prepared me and when it was "time" for her to move on, I was ok with it. Does any of this have to do with my dream, I don't know. I am hoping with my 3rd and last child all this is will get easier .... yeah right!

17 years of Marriage

♥ Its so strange that something can feel "just like yesterday" and"feel like 50 years" at the same time.
♥ Its strange that your soul-mate has to grow to be your best friend.
♥ Its strange that the love of your life is the only one who can bring out the worst anger in you.
♥ Its strange to trust someone with your life, except when they are driving.
♥ Its strange what we had to go through at the right time to have our paths crossed.

♥ Its strange as individuals we are so different, but together we are the same.

Its been 17 years of marriage today ... strange for some, not so strange for others.

Dreaming in Scenes

Last nights dream was like episodes or scenes, they didn't makes sense all together.
Scene 1
I was in this room and notice one bigger than normal spider, which had a web from the floor to that ceiling. There were other people in the room and I started to warn people about the spider. Before I knew it, the room was full of the spiders and the webs, so I ran out of there as fast as I could. When I got out, there were 2 spiders, one on my left hand and the other on my right. They both sat on a finger, at the tip. In my dream I could feel the piercing pain I got when it poked me with its, I don't know, um poker, which was long like a needle.
Scene 2
I was going inside a store, like a Walmart, and this guy was wanting to hang on me like he adored me, and I didn't understand it cause he knew I was married. Next thing I knew I was sitting outside of the store and my Hubby was sitting with me showing a lot of affection, and I thought, does he realize we are outside? But it didn't bother me, I was like, oh well.
Scene 3
I got in my car that was parked in a parking structure. As soon as I got in, I saw 2 guys run to each front tire and let the air out. I made sure the doors were locked, put it in reverse, when I stopped suddenly to go forward and move out of the stall, I noticed I barely missed the car behind me, I put it in drive and drove out of there as fast as I could.

Me JEALOUS?!

JEALOUSY-The Monster
http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Understanding-Jealousy-Helen-Fisher-PhD-on-Relationships

When I couldn't describe what I was feeling in a recent situation, I was told that what I am feeling is jealousy. Me jealous?! To quote the article above, "Jealousy—that sickening combination of possessiveness, suspicion, rage, and humiliation—can overtake your mind and threaten your very core as you contemplate your rival. "
NOW THAT I CAN RELATE TO!
I have said to many, "I trust my Husband, but I don't trust females".
My Scar....
The article above states, "a childhood trauma" could cause jealousy, which might be true in my cause. I will explain more on that and let you be the judge of it, but also I believe it comes from a lying, cheating, ex boyfriend. Childhood trauma sounds so harsh, so I will say, my childhood (unfortunate) experience. At a very young age I was exposed to jealousy, yet the one that expressed this jealousy was also the same one having affairs. No, this child experience was not imagining things or taking things out of context. This child experience was actually physically taken to rendezvous and interacted with the "other" who was not the parent. Even after my parents separated, yet stayed in contact, I assume for the sake of the children, there still was "others" involved. From the first time I could remember, until I think it was all over, I estimate that this lasted about 4 years, probably from the ages 5 to 9.  My parents got back together after a few years, stayed together for about 8 years more and then never got back together again. Enough about them and now back to me. The funny thing is that when I became a teenager and started having relationships, this jealousy never showed itself. It never bothered me if a boyfriend wanted to spend time their friends even if they were girls. UNTIL, my ex boyfriend decided he was going to have a relationship with another girl while I was pregnant. Then of course I did care if he wanted to spend time with "friends". When I finally let him go after years of mental and physical abuse, I felt free. Free from the insecurity, the hurt, the humiliation and the suspicion.
I met my Husband, and God sure knew what I needed because he had just one friend he stayed in contact with from high school, and that contact was very seldom. The kids and I always giggle about how he has one friend. Hubby didn't mean to show jealousy while we were dating, but I could see right through him. It was flattering, and I thought it was adorable on him. I adored him even more when females were fond of him, and showed him flirty attention. I never felt the negative feelings of jealousy. I loved him madly. The linked article explains about that. Years went by, children grew, responsibilities got bigger and my instincts also matured. A little bit about Hubby, he is very responsible and when it comes to his job, he will go beyond what is asked for. He is willing to help where needed and when asked. I started to feel a little bit uncomfortable years back, when he would help out coworkers with their home needs, fixing things, helping their children accomplish projects, etc. I expressed to him how I was not happy with these things, and eventually he stopped, or at least he didn't let me find out. Is that the same as lying? Am I guilty of maybe not telling him things sometimes...YUP. Everyone knows me at his work, I have stopped by unannounced, hung out after hours with his coworkers and I could tell, everyone was fond of him, how could they not be? Fast forward to a couple of month ago, (I think I am finally getting to the point of this blog), a female accuses him of sexual harassment. A little bit about this female, the very next day she went out on disability and hasn't been back to work in months. The higher ups investigate and find nothing to prove her claim, and Hubby, straight in the eye tells me he has never done anything to make her feel this way. This was the beginning of the Monster that started to grow in me. I started thinking, about things in the past, were they coincidence with this person, was I making it all up in my head to make sense? This suspicion grew so big, I was feeling the hurt and humiliation of something that wasn't really maybe even there. I became silent with Hubby, only talked when he initiated, cried when I was by myself. Hubby noticed, he even asked me, what was bothering me, what came up? I told him, nothing came up, it never left. Yet, I didn't feel "jealous" towards anyone, I don't know if that makes sense, but it does to me. Then I started battling, what if it is true, that's all I wanted to know, but he told me it wasn't, isn't that good enough, why was I still wondering? If it was true, it didn't mean I would leave him or make him leave, but the hurt and humiliation would be to much to handle. Is it strange that I wouldn't hate him for being with someone else, but, be so upset because he lied about it? Oh, this Monster was growing big and fast. What if he was just staying with me cause of the time he already invested in me? I knew he loved me, but what if he wasn't "in love" with me? What if it was easier to stay with me then deal with explaining to everyone what had happened and everyone judging him? With Thanksgiving coming up, my Brothers kept asking me if I was going to join them at Dads. I wasn't feeling up to it, not with that Monster inside me. My Brother told me, let it go, it will destroy you and your relationship, PRAY. Let it go?! Impossible! I woke up the next morning, with a whole different perspective. What if this distance I am feeling between us was all caused by me and this Monster? In fact, Hubby hadn't changed at all. I had to make a decision within myself that I was done, done with all this wondering and if anything came up again, I would deal with it then. For now, I will continue to show my love and affection, because I know I am still madly in love with him. Sure enough, as soon as I let it all go, and picked up our relationship where I left it, Hubby responded. See it would be different, if I went through all this, this that I put myself through, and he didn't respond. THAT would be hurtful, humiliating and make me suspicious. A day or so after I let it go, I came across the article that I linked here. I will end the same way it did...
THE WAY OUT IS THROUGH THE DOOR...
(Why is it that no one will use this method? ~Confucius)

Famous People in my dreams

Every have famous people in your dreams, I mean like randomly?!

Not because you just watched a movie, saw them on TV or read about them on the internet before you went to bed.

 

 

Let see, I have dreamt about, Jimmy Fallon, George Clooney, Freddy Krueger and now Christina Ricci. I am sure I have one or two more to add to that list but just can’t remember right now, and I might add, not a bad looking list! In these dreams, there is nothing fantastic going on, no romance or anything out of the ordinary just them and I hanging out talking like normal friends do. Oh, except Freddy Krueger, he wasn't having a conversation with me, he was just there, but it wasn't like I was scared that he was or even that his presence was threatening. I just saw that he was there. I am fond of all those famous people that have been in my dreams, even Freddy; he was in one of my favorite horror films growing up.

Back to last night’s dream. I was in a living room with a few females, one of them being Christina Ricci, just hanging out, chit chatting and looking at catalog books that seemed to resemble Avon books. I eventually sat next to Christina commenting on the books, and expressed to her how I loved the show Southwest. (Ha-ha I was referring to Pan Am, f.y.i., I always fly Southwest)Christina responded with a line from the TV show and the dream ended with both of us giggling girlishly. 

Dream...Who are you, Gentleman?

I was in a backyard, under a patio, sitting with a gentleman, who to me seemed to be middle eastern, not that he dressed a certain way or appeared to be in any other way, it was just something I knew when I looked in his eyes. This gentleman was wearing a vibrant blue buttoned shirt (the only thing in color in my dream) and I appeared to be fond of him, cause I was sitting snuggled beside him. There was dancing music and we were watching a couple of people dance. I felt relaxed, not so much tired, so I closed my eyes. This gentleman noticed, and I asked him "what time is it", he said, "9p", I felt embarrassed, thinking, "he probably thinks I'm old". He stood up, put his hand out for me, and said, "come on". As we walked towards the yard, out of the corner of my eye, I could see a crowd of people, some I recognized and some I didn't. I  thought, "whats my dad going to think, seeing me with this gentlemen" and then feeling as if I didn't care. (I wasn't married or had children in my dream) As this gentleman walked me over to the patio swing, I noticed that the crowd of people were standing on risers and that this party was actually for me. One of the females didn't look very happy, she seemed to be mad at someone that was there. I put my cheek up against the gentleman's back and closed my eyes, and as I mentioned to him how quite it was for a bunch of people, I opened my eyes and noticed all the people had gone inside for dessert. As they one by one started coming out of the house, the daughter (in her 20s)of the upset lady, came up to me and was explaining how mad her mother was at someone, and then my cousin came and sat by me and said, "man, who is that lady in there, she sure is mad and saying stuff". I quickly, responded to her saying, "oh, I don't know, but this is her daughter, and she was just telling me", then the daughter said, "never-mind, I will talk to you in private". The gentleman continued to sit with me on the swing as I just observed what was going on around me.

Dream Questions

Did you ever have someone in your dream that you are interacting with like you know them but in the wake world you have no idea who they are? 

Or in the dream, you are comfortable and familiar where you are at, but have no idea where that was when you wake up? 

Do you dream in color, if so, do you dream everything is in color or just a specific thing? 

Have you dreamed of someone that has passed, and did they talked to you? Have you ever dreamed of something so emotional that it makes you cry, made mad or laugh, when you were awake?

Have you ever dreamed of something so scary you are afraid to move when you woke up? 

Ever dream of something so intimate you would never repeat it ever in your life? Have you ever had a dream of a group/family members gathering and then days/weeks later something happens that has that group/family members gathering? 

Have you ever dreamed that, who you are in the wake world does not exist in your dream?

I can answer yes to all those questions and I only dream of a color on a specific thing, never is the whole dream in color.