A gloomy dream

My Sister, who lives in another state, was with me and we got out of the car. We went inside a funeral home. My Sister, even though she is younger than me, took charge and made the arrangements. These arrangements were for my Dad, who in real life is alive. It was like I could hear her in the distance. I wasn't even paying attention to the conversation, I just thought, this is sad, we should be really sad. As we walked out of the funeral home, there were familiar people around. I was trying to tell my Sister, we need keepsakes to make. Someone stopped me, a Mother of an ex-boyfriend of mine, and said, I am going to a place where you buy that stuff, in two weeks go with me. As we left the building, I still saw familiar faces but didn't talk to anyone. I felt so gloomy. As we got to the car, I went to the trunk and off to the side on the floor, I thought I saw a small flame coming from something on the ground. When I glanced, I thought, oh its dog poop, I must of imagined that flame. Then I saw a small bird, and thought, they don't eat dog poop. I went to look closer and realized it there was a dead pigeon and the little bird was eating it. The little bird was really tugging at it. I scurried back into the car.

Dream #81613

I was in the backyard, of what appeared to by my home. Large area to entertain, which apparently I was, by the look of all the people there. As I glanced around, there was a pool, and far off to one side of it were rock deco. One was in the shape of a grand piano. The color of these grand rocks where a dark brown, almost leather looking. Then I noticed that there was a lower second pool. I said, "it just sucks that they are not connected", I think I was making small talk. I didn't recognize anyone in my dream from my wake life. I walked to the second pool, next thing I new I was in the water, and I thought, "someone must of pushed me in". I was concerned about when I had to get out of the pool cause I was wearing all white. Meanwhile, there were people in the pool behind me and people sitting on the ledge talking to me. As I turned to look at the people behind me, it was two young girls each with a baby and they were going underwater with the babies, for which looked like, for as long as they could hold their breath. I could see air bubbles coming from the babies. I turned to the people on the ledge and said, "what the fuck?" and someone said, that's how they teach them now. I thought, "that's not how we did it in my day". It was time to get out of the pool, and again I worried cause I was wearing white. Next thing I knew the pool was empty of water, and I thought, "I guess that is how you know its time to get out" and when I looked at what I was wearing....my clothes were black.

Mothers Day Sucked

It begins with Friday. I told my Son to call Dad and let him know if he made plans for Sunday, cause I would like to just go to beach. I wanted sun and water, which would be perfect for the heat that weekend. When my Son called him, he got cut of short cause Dad was dealing with something at work. On the ride home I mention the beach, and Hubby mumbles something like, "you won't be able to handle that". I guess he was referring to me being Fibro. I then casually mention how we can go hang out at our Daughters place at the pool...no response. Hmm ok maybe he has something planned.
Sunday. I get up he makes coffee, we watch tv and nothing is being said. Well then I get up and start laundry, head to the kitchen and start cleaning. He then comes in with "I'll do that". Kitchen cleaned and he goes outside to do yard work. UGH all I wanted was some sun, water and NO CHORES! I lost it, showered, got in the car and took off up the creek, for some sun and water. BTW I have never ever done such a thing on my own. A few hours later, I come back home, Hubby is laying on the bed and asked me where I went. I told him, I mentioned I wanted water and sun, and your Son tried to tell you, but maybe you didn't get it cause you cut him off, so I went up the creek. He asked, do you want to go out to eat? Um nope. Hubby then made tuna sandwiches, and took us outside to play with the dogs.
That is why I so dislike days that force us to expect something on certain days for people to show us how much we appreciate them. If it were any other day, Hubby does an outstanding job of showing appreciation  so why do I expect so much on the one day that says we must show appreciation?! Does this mean he doesn't expect anything on Fathers Day?

Family Deep Issues

My Brother pointed out something my Mom had posted on fb. Innocently commented, but to me and my siblings, we read through the lines and take it personal.
About 25 years ago, when I was 17, my Mom made a decision that effected the rest of us for the rest of our lives. Mom decided she was leaving my Dad and 3 of us 5 kids. Mom decided she was taking the 2 youngest siblings. We some how protested and Mom gave us the 2 back, and she was gone. I am the oldest of my 4 siblings and even though back then I was ready to do my own thing, I still kept in touch with my siblings and made sure everything was ok. Fast forward, Mom is involved in our lives, keeps contact and visits. Mom lives out of state and when my Sister became an adolescent she decided to live with my Mom. We all have married, and 4 of the 5 of us have children.
This issue of my Mom leaving us, is a tender, healing wound. I have no grudges, and now that I am a married with kids and an adult, I understand why someone would make that decision, but it doesn't mean that I agree with it. I forgave and I love Mom. However, every once in a while something pricks that wound and it hurts! This hurt, has always been for me to deal with, not my siblings, and not my Mom. I don't put that weight on them, its my issue to deal with and that is that. I know, thats not how all of us deal with it and Mom knows, it bothers some of us but she didn't know, it hurts ALL of us still. I had to recently explain this to her when my Brother told her she was "insensitive" on her fb to claim how happy she was with 3 grandchildren she has out there, and what about the rest of us out here and our children. My Mom responded, in so many words, to him with, I've said sorry and you should get over it. Then she proceeded to text me and ask me if there was something wrong with her comment on fb. Thats when I took the opportunity to explain to her. Nothing was wrong with her comment, but we tend to read into things, of course we are jealous, she is out there and we are here, some of us just deal with it differently. No response. The next day Mom sent out another text, she was truly sorry and her past has once again caught up with her, she love all the grandkids the same and she is sorry if we feel she holds any in higher regard. She wishes we would of shared this with her, so much time has gone by and she feels like a fool, thinking everything was ok.
I explained to her, that I did not think she loved any grandkids more than others. She should not feel foolish, it wasn't like I was being two faced to her all the times I visited, she should know me better than that. I do feel because she made that choice all those years ago, I still feel she is making that same choice by staying out there. This was my issue to deal with and not hers. I just needed for her to know one thing...that I loved her.

Cousin Kim

A few weeks ago, my Cousin Kim, who is actually my Cousins wife, but we have taken her in as our own, found out she had a tumor and was going to have surgery to have it removed. When they removed the tumor, the also found that she had colon cancer and it had spread. The word is that, she will have 6 months to a year to live. I took this very hard, yet at that time I only told my best friend and my best cousin, I could not bare to tell my soul mate, my Hubby. I had just heard this news after hearing my "good" news, of not having Lupus but diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, I was going to be ok and she wasn't. I still don't understand how this is fair. Here I was so worried about myself and someone dear to my heart had it worse. GUILT is what I feel. I am able to hold back the tears, sometimes, because I haven't heard it from her directly. She finally came home last week, and with her doctors appointments and Mothers Day, I haven't had a chance to see her...I need to see her.

Feeling the weight of the world on my eyelids.

It could be the medication I have been put on for my Fibro, but if left alone, I cry, when I sit at my desk, I tear up and let some out, when I am around others, I tear up but control it to not come out. I just have felt that I have had some heavy stuff to deal with lately, on top of my I have bad days where physically I hurt. This morning, I finally couldn't hold it anymore. We carpool, Hubby, I and the kids and on the way in I just started crying. It was such a combo of things, Mothers Days sucked, Cousin Kim and a deep issue. My poor Hubby, I know he got nervous and he just didn't know what was going on. He tried to comfort me while he drove, putting his hand on my leg, and asking me if I was ok. I finally got my self together and when we dropped of the last kid, I could see Hubby trying to gather enough courage to ask me what was that about. He rubbed his has together and I think at one point he was going to say something, but just a slight sound came out and then he took a drink of his coffee. When we finally got out of the car, he asked me if I was ok. I told him I had been dealing with some stuff, a family issue and Cousin Kim. I didn't dare tell him I was hurt about Mothers Day. He hugged, comforted me and said the right words...."its tough".

I want to be myself again...

The weekend of February 8, 2013, it was cold and chilly. Little did I know it was the beginning of what I would feel for a month straight now. In the past, I've had aches and pain, headaches and migraines that never lasted more than 2 days and it was nothing that ibuprofen or naproxen couldn't fix. That weekend my whole body was sore, like if I had majorly worked out and I felt tired. I figured it was due to being out that Friday night in the rain and I just needed rest. As a week and a half went by it wasn't going away, I was feeling limited in motion, all my joints were in pain from my toes to my shoulders. I thought heavily about 2 things, 1, I don't have insurance and 2, lupus. Even though lupus is not inherited, it runs strongly in our family, crazy huh? I have considered it throughout the last 10 years, but because symptoms didn't persist I didn't think much of it. I just felt there was something to be concerned about now and partly due to me taking naproxen and it not working. Hubby heard of a clinic, so I looked into it, got an appointment, went in saw the doctor. He wanted to rule out 2 things first, HIV and Strep. Good news, it took less then 15 minutes and I don't have HIV or Strep. Bad news, he would now test for Rheumatoid Arthritis and Lupus, the bonus, it will be 2 weeks for the results. In the meantime, he gave me a pain pill. The pain does not completely go away with the pain pill and naproxen, it just eases it. I also only take them at night. During the day I was nauseous, sleepy and emotional, there was no way I could function during the day like that, especially at work. Over the last 2 weeks, I have felt new symptoms. Although my legs no longer bother me during the day, at night I wake up to the agonizing pain in my knees, at least 3 times, I have to re-position myself, which is no easy task, with my shoulders, arms and hands in ache and no strength. Now not only my joints ache in my arms but the muscles also, they are sore like if I have lifted weights. My hands/fingers, are tight and hurt to stretch or make fists, they have no strength, not even to lift a pillow. To type is no easy task either, it hurts. I can not bend my writs, forward or backwards. It feels like I have a stiff neck everyday, a knot in my upper back and a sore lower back. Being in pain has been exhausting, the other night I went to sleep at 7:30, I just could not keep my eyes open. On the weekend I just want to lay down. I feel bad for my family. They didn't sign up for this wife and mom. They have been understanding and helpful. I'm just scared that one day Hubby will throw his hands up and say, I can't do this anymore. I'm scared I am going to live like this for the rest of my life. I haven't had one day that I have felt like my normal self. Finally in 3 days I will see the doctor for my results and maybe he can fix me.

Life:
You're totally sure on how you feel about something,
until it turns personal, then you are totally unsure!

For years you dream of your life turning out one way,
and one day, without warning, you realize life is going to turn out totally different. Now you can react different ways to this.

You can totally freak and be miserable for the rest of your life.
OR
You can adapt, and realize, nothings really changed but your dream.

Is that such a bad thing, in my case, no. I'm sure if its a traumatic game changer in your life, yes this could be bad. However, I'm still a believer that something good can even come out of those situations.

Maybe the dream hasn't even really changed that much. 
Maybe just some of the characters have. 
Maybe the dream hasn't changed at all.
I'm still the same person, and so are those around me that I love.
AND
That's all that matters.

Don't let it out of the pod.

What stood out in last nights dream was this huge pod. This pod was not a hard shell like an egg, it was like it could move when ever, what ever was inside it did. I new there was something inside it that I didn't want to bother, there was a slight fear, but more of a, "lets not let it out so we don't have to deal with it" feeling. One of my kids did something to it and next thing I knew, "it" was out of its pod. "It" was a human child, but it acted like an animal, it crouched, it grabbed and didn't speak. I just remember feeling, "oh great, now we have to deal with it".

You know, I'm not that type of person. I don't ignore things or situations so I don't have to deal with it, sometimes I wish I was that type of person. Yet, I know there are situations I am going to have to deal with that I don't want to or I don't know how to, but I am willing to adapt and try.
I have a young adult daughter, that moved back in and is now single. I've done pretty well, I think. I realize she is an adult, smart, and she is responsible, but that doesn't mean I can let go of caring for her well being. I told her, "you know I ask who you are hanging out with, so when you go missing I can tell the authorities who you were with last, I'm not trying to be nosy!" Of course part of me is being nosy, ha ha, I'm human and that natural!
I have a son who is a senior in high school this year. Every college he has applied for is far from home. We are very close and this is going to be very hard for me, but he is ready and this is what he wants. I tear up every time I think about it. Years ago, when my daughter decided she was going to move in with her boyfriend after being home for the first 2 years of college, it didn't affect me the same. Why? This is why, when she was a junior in high school she went to visit her dad one week and decided she wasn't coming back home. She thought the grass would be greener on the other side. If it was greener on the other side, would we have that saying?! She wasn't even the one to tell me, her father had to. It broke my heart, I cried for like a week straight, yet it prepared me and when it was "time" for her to move on, I was ok with it. Does any of this have to do with my dream, I don't know. I am hoping with my 3rd and last child all this is will get easier .... yeah right!

17 years of Marriage

♥ Its so strange that something can feel "just like yesterday" and"feel like 50 years" at the same time.
♥ Its strange that your soul-mate has to grow to be your best friend.
♥ Its strange that the love of your life is the only one who can bring out the worst anger in you.
♥ Its strange to trust someone with your life, except when they are driving.
♥ Its strange what we had to go through at the right time to have our paths crossed.

♥ Its strange as individuals we are so different, but together we are the same.

Its been 17 years of marriage today ... strange for some, not so strange for others.

Dreaming in Scenes

Last nights dream was like episodes or scenes, they didn't makes sense all together.
Scene 1
I was in this room and notice one bigger than normal spider, which had a web from the floor to that ceiling. There were other people in the room and I started to warn people about the spider. Before I knew it, the room was full of the spiders and the webs, so I ran out of there as fast as I could. When I got out, there were 2 spiders, one on my left hand and the other on my right. They both sat on a finger, at the tip. In my dream I could feel the piercing pain I got when it poked me with its, I don't know, um poker, which was long like a needle.
Scene 2
I was going inside a store, like a Walmart, and this guy was wanting to hang on me like he adored me, and I didn't understand it cause he knew I was married. Next thing I knew I was sitting outside of the store and my Hubby was sitting with me showing a lot of affection, and I thought, does he realize we are outside? But it didn't bother me, I was like, oh well.
Scene 3
I got in my car that was parked in a parking structure. As soon as I got in, I saw 2 guys run to each front tire and let the air out. I made sure the doors were locked, put it in reverse, when I stopped suddenly to go forward and move out of the stall, I noticed I barely missed the car behind me, I put it in drive and drove out of there as fast as I could.

Me JEALOUS?!

JEALOUSY-The Monster
http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Understanding-Jealousy-Helen-Fisher-PhD-on-Relationships

When I couldn't describe what I was feeling in a recent situation, I was told that what I am feeling is jealousy. Me jealous?! To quote the article above, "Jealousy—that sickening combination of possessiveness, suspicion, rage, and humiliation—can overtake your mind and threaten your very core as you contemplate your rival. "
NOW THAT I CAN RELATE TO!
I have said to many, "I trust my Husband, but I don't trust females".
My Scar....
The article above states, "a childhood trauma" could cause jealousy, which might be true in my cause. I will explain more on that and let you be the judge of it, but also I believe it comes from a lying, cheating, ex boyfriend. Childhood trauma sounds so harsh, so I will say, my childhood (unfortunate) experience. At a very young age I was exposed to jealousy, yet the one that expressed this jealousy was also the same one having affairs. No, this child experience was not imagining things or taking things out of context. This child experience was actually physically taken to rendezvous and interacted with the "other" who was not the parent. Even after my parents separated, yet stayed in contact, I assume for the sake of the children, there still was "others" involved. From the first time I could remember, until I think it was all over, I estimate that this lasted about 4 years, probably from the ages 5 to 9.  My parents got back together after a few years, stayed together for about 8 years more and then never got back together again. Enough about them and now back to me. The funny thing is that when I became a teenager and started having relationships, this jealousy never showed itself. It never bothered me if a boyfriend wanted to spend time their friends even if they were girls. UNTIL, my ex boyfriend decided he was going to have a relationship with another girl while I was pregnant. Then of course I did care if he wanted to spend time with "friends". When I finally let him go after years of mental and physical abuse, I felt free. Free from the insecurity, the hurt, the humiliation and the suspicion.
I met my Husband, and God sure knew what I needed because he had just one friend he stayed in contact with from high school, and that contact was very seldom. The kids and I always giggle about how he has one friend. Hubby didn't mean to show jealousy while we were dating, but I could see right through him. It was flattering, and I thought it was adorable on him. I adored him even more when females were fond of him, and showed him flirty attention. I never felt the negative feelings of jealousy. I loved him madly. The linked article explains about that. Years went by, children grew, responsibilities got bigger and my instincts also matured. A little bit about Hubby, he is very responsible and when it comes to his job, he will go beyond what is asked for. He is willing to help where needed and when asked. I started to feel a little bit uncomfortable years back, when he would help out coworkers with their home needs, fixing things, helping their children accomplish projects, etc. I expressed to him how I was not happy with these things, and eventually he stopped, or at least he didn't let me find out. Is that the same as lying? Am I guilty of maybe not telling him things sometimes...YUP. Everyone knows me at his work, I have stopped by unannounced, hung out after hours with his coworkers and I could tell, everyone was fond of him, how could they not be? Fast forward to a couple of month ago, (I think I am finally getting to the point of this blog), a female accuses him of sexual harassment. A little bit about this female, the very next day she went out on disability and hasn't been back to work in months. The higher ups investigate and find nothing to prove her claim, and Hubby, straight in the eye tells me he has never done anything to make her feel this way. This was the beginning of the Monster that started to grow in me. I started thinking, about things in the past, were they coincidence with this person, was I making it all up in my head to make sense? This suspicion grew so big, I was feeling the hurt and humiliation of something that wasn't really maybe even there. I became silent with Hubby, only talked when he initiated, cried when I was by myself. Hubby noticed, he even asked me, what was bothering me, what came up? I told him, nothing came up, it never left. Yet, I didn't feel "jealous" towards anyone, I don't know if that makes sense, but it does to me. Then I started battling, what if it is true, that's all I wanted to know, but he told me it wasn't, isn't that good enough, why was I still wondering? If it was true, it didn't mean I would leave him or make him leave, but the hurt and humiliation would be to much to handle. Is it strange that I wouldn't hate him for being with someone else, but, be so upset because he lied about it? Oh, this Monster was growing big and fast. What if he was just staying with me cause of the time he already invested in me? I knew he loved me, but what if he wasn't "in love" with me? What if it was easier to stay with me then deal with explaining to everyone what had happened and everyone judging him? With Thanksgiving coming up, my Brothers kept asking me if I was going to join them at Dads. I wasn't feeling up to it, not with that Monster inside me. My Brother told me, let it go, it will destroy you and your relationship, PRAY. Let it go?! Impossible! I woke up the next morning, with a whole different perspective. What if this distance I am feeling between us was all caused by me and this Monster? In fact, Hubby hadn't changed at all. I had to make a decision within myself that I was done, done with all this wondering and if anything came up again, I would deal with it then. For now, I will continue to show my love and affection, because I know I am still madly in love with him. Sure enough, as soon as I let it all go, and picked up our relationship where I left it, Hubby responded. See it would be different, if I went through all this, this that I put myself through, and he didn't respond. THAT would be hurtful, humiliating and make me suspicious. A day or so after I let it go, I came across the article that I linked here. I will end the same way it did...
THE WAY OUT IS THROUGH THE DOOR...
(Why is it that no one will use this method? ~Confucius)

Famous People in my dreams

Every have famous people in your dreams, I mean like randomly?!

Not because you just watched a movie, saw them on TV or read about them on the internet before you went to bed.

 

 

Let see, I have dreamt about, Jimmy Fallon, George Clooney, Freddy Krueger and now Christina Ricci. I am sure I have one or two more to add to that list but just can’t remember right now, and I might add, not a bad looking list! In these dreams, there is nothing fantastic going on, no romance or anything out of the ordinary just them and I hanging out talking like normal friends do. Oh, except Freddy Krueger, he wasn't having a conversation with me, he was just there, but it wasn't like I was scared that he was or even that his presence was threatening. I just saw that he was there. I am fond of all those famous people that have been in my dreams, even Freddy; he was in one of my favorite horror films growing up.

Back to last night’s dream. I was in a living room with a few females, one of them being Christina Ricci, just hanging out, chit chatting and looking at catalog books that seemed to resemble Avon books. I eventually sat next to Christina commenting on the books, and expressed to her how I loved the show Southwest. (Ha-ha I was referring to Pan Am, f.y.i., I always fly Southwest)Christina responded with a line from the TV show and the dream ended with both of us giggling girlishly. 

Dream...Who are you, Gentleman?

I was in a backyard, under a patio, sitting with a gentleman, who to me seemed to be middle eastern, not that he dressed a certain way or appeared to be in any other way, it was just something I knew when I looked in his eyes. This gentleman was wearing a vibrant blue buttoned shirt (the only thing in color in my dream) and I appeared to be fond of him, cause I was sitting snuggled beside him. There was dancing music and we were watching a couple of people dance. I felt relaxed, not so much tired, so I closed my eyes. This gentleman noticed, and I asked him "what time is it", he said, "9p", I felt embarrassed, thinking, "he probably thinks I'm old". He stood up, put his hand out for me, and said, "come on". As we walked towards the yard, out of the corner of my eye, I could see a crowd of people, some I recognized and some I didn't. I  thought, "whats my dad going to think, seeing me with this gentlemen" and then feeling as if I didn't care. (I wasn't married or had children in my dream) As this gentleman walked me over to the patio swing, I noticed that the crowd of people were standing on risers and that this party was actually for me. One of the females didn't look very happy, she seemed to be mad at someone that was there. I put my cheek up against the gentleman's back and closed my eyes, and as I mentioned to him how quite it was for a bunch of people, I opened my eyes and noticed all the people had gone inside for dessert. As they one by one started coming out of the house, the daughter (in her 20s)of the upset lady, came up to me and was explaining how mad her mother was at someone, and then my cousin came and sat by me and said, "man, who is that lady in there, she sure is mad and saying stuff". I quickly, responded to her saying, "oh, I don't know, but this is her daughter, and she was just telling me", then the daughter said, "never-mind, I will talk to you in private". The gentleman continued to sit with me on the swing as I just observed what was going on around me.

Dream Questions

Did you ever have someone in your dream that you are interacting with like you know them but in the wake world you have no idea who they are? 

Or in the dream, you are comfortable and familiar where you are at, but have no idea where that was when you wake up? 

Do you dream in color, if so, do you dream everything is in color or just a specific thing? 

Have you dreamed of someone that has passed, and did they talked to you? Have you ever dreamed of something so emotional that it makes you cry, made mad or laugh, when you were awake?

Have you ever dreamed of something so scary you are afraid to move when you woke up? 

Ever dream of something so intimate you would never repeat it ever in your life? Have you ever had a dream of a group/family members gathering and then days/weeks later something happens that has that group/family members gathering? 

Have you ever dreamed that, who you are in the wake world does not exist in your dream?

I can answer yes to all those questions and I only dream of a color on a specific thing, never is the whole dream in color.

Spiritual History

I once attended The Church On Brady, in East Los Angeles California, with my family. I will refer to it as Brady, from this point on, because I didn't see it as the "church", but as my family. We started attending when I was in the 5th grade and I continued there until I was 18, a year after I graduated high school (1980 - 1989). I did accept Christ and was baptized at Brady at a young age. Not until my high school years did I experience my "spiritual high" along with some of my peers that I am still in contact with today. The experience would be "overall" good. I did go through "trials", not with Brady, but with God, with myself. Those years, would make me who I am today, what I believe, how I live and how I am molding my own children.

I had always learned through Bro. Toms sermons and through others, Youth Leaders, Share Group Leaders, Peers, who would lead Sunday classes, Wednesday nights and any other activities or events Brady had to offer. At Brady, I always felt like, the Scriptures, the Bible, was the solid base of these teachings. It always made sense and it was always clear what God wanted, not man. In the future this would be hard for me, because I would not find another place to satisfy my spirit through sermons, etc.

The beginning "adult" years would be rough, but get me started on being who I am. I had gotten pregnant, was not married. I felt separated, disconnected, with my spirit. I was not living, how I was taught to. A couple of years would pass with this emptiness. Visiting different churches, even going back to Brady, which was now Mosaic, and not finding what I needed. I didn't stay at churches, where I couldn't make a connection with the teachings and God . It just didn't make sense to me, why stay where I wasn't gonna get fed spiritually. I finally did stay with one "church", but I still wasn't consistent in attending weekly. Then the light finally came on. What am I doing? I don't need a "physical" building to be right with God and I certainly didn't need other people to accept how I lived my life. I just needed myself, my spirit, my heart and my mind. What I needed was a "relationship" with God. Would God, accept this? Of course he did, God knew my heart and intentions, and over the years he has proven that to me, through my prayers. This relationship is what I had lost in those empty years. In no way am I perfect, (ask my husband!), but God knows that. I am not saying that we don't need to go to "church". We need to do whatever it takes to help us along in this life to be better people.